Last night, we announced that we are expecting our fourth little blessing. And to think - I only found out that morning! Apparently good news travels ridiculously fast.
Somehow, this feels new. I have tried to put my finger on it but it's just, in general, a very strange feeling. I almost feel like we are having our first baby all over again. Seeing the tell-tale "positive" line was more shocking to me yesterday than it was almost six years ago, the first time I ever saw it.
I guess this was due, in part, to expecting my first faith-based pregnancy over a year ago. I still remember very clearly the night that the Lord awakened me from a dead sleep to tell me that we needed to put all of our trust in Him. Judging our history of conception, I mentally prepared myself for a pregnancy that would most likely occur within the next two weeks. Obviously, it didn't.
There was a whole different type of mental preparation that took place over the next 15 months. It was a learning process, a growth period, and most importantly, a chance to come back together as a family in Christ.
I learned a new trust in the Lord, and I put him first and foremost for the first time in my life. He taught me how to put everything in the back seat so He could be the driver. I knew this was my lesson all along, but I thought it would come from a different place. I had no idea that my journey would stem from not getting pregnant right away. I have been reminded once again, "your will Lord, not mine."
I still remember having no clue what I was supposed to write, just that I needed to start keeping track. When no pregnancies happened, I thought my blog would be incredibly lacking and boring. Through prayer and an open heart, I managed to find topics here and there to blog about. Called to Quiverfull slowly took a turn for the better, becoming more of an informative Christian blog than a chronicle of our quiverfull journey (since nothing was really happening therein, anyways!).
It only took a couple months to realize how badly I was really wanting another baby. Yep - I am one of those people. My mom likes to call me "addicted to pregnancy," which may or may not be true. Some people say that people with more than two kids are "greedy." If sacrificing that perfect Disneyland vacation for a family of four to accept the Lord's ultimate earthly blessing makes me greedy, then yes - I willingly accept that term. So test after test after test, being turned this way and that in the light of my tiny bathroom only to reveal the stark white of disappointment, left me feeling more and more empty and asking the Lord why it wasn't happening.
Since then I have obviously changed a lot, and I have come to accept the fact that I didn't need to worry about when the Lord would choose (if at all) to bless us with a new little bundle. Even without focusing on conceiving, I was vaguely aware of the fact that I needed to test frequently, so as not to suddenly be surprised with labor pains 9 months down the road and end up on "I didn't know I was pregnant."
I must have studied each one of those cheap little pee sticks for hours, looking for that one tiny line that would be the Lord's way of saying "Okay, here you go! From me to you!" But with each test that I threw away, I resolved myself more and more to the wait that I would apparently have to undergo.
I started charting, if for no other reason than to know when precisely I should test. It helped be to know when I ovulated so I could wait to test until about two weeks after that, which helped me a lot in beingnot-so more patient.
Anyways, I'm sure everyone knows what it is like to wait on a positive pregnancy test. I waited fifteen months, and some people get theirs sooner... some wait even longer, and some never get it. But I had reached that resolve where the negative tests weren't bothering me so much. It would happen in its own time, and I just needed to test often enough that I would not "miss it" if it happened.
I took a test on June 1st, and I could swear I saw something.
I had never gotten an evaporation line on these tests, so it struck me as odd. I took another one the next morning as well, and once again, I could swear there was something there. But after a year of staring hard into these little twigs of litmus and plastic, I knew better than to get my hopes up and assume that some little dingy streak that could not be properly identified meant a pregnancy. I threw them in the trash and realized I only had one test left. Oh well. I can order more if I am late another week or so. I decided to wait at least a few more days to take my last one. According to my chart, the last possible day that I could have ovulated had only occurred a week before, so even if I had gotten pregnant, there was a good chance it wouldn't even show up yet. I should wait for the latest day to be 12 days behind me. That's me - always super diligent with logic.
Thursday morning I pulled my last test from the cabinet and dipped it in my pee. That's how you take a pregnancy test, after all. The moment I set it down on the counter, I regretted it. The odds were slim that I had ovulated when I thought. But it didn't really matter anyways, because I had no delusions that it would turn out positive. I had probably not been ovulating at all.
Looking at my chart, I had decided that the science of it was probably that since I was breastfeeding, I was not ovulating. With my last two pregnancies, I had been breastfeeding as well; but since I had been taking a hormonal birth control pill those times, I think it helped to continue my cycle in a normal fashion. Whereas, no hormones meant no regularity of cycle in spite of breastfeeding.
As I set my little timer on my phone and went through the motions, I took a quick glance at the test. There was definitely something there. Then again, though, I have an eagle eye when it comes to seeing extra lines on a pregnancy test. I am pretty sure at my own capacity, it doesn't even count.
It looked like this :
Of course, by the end of the five minute timer, I was certain. It was a positive pregnancy test. What does that mean again? I forget.
Josh was still in bed, so I walked into the bedroom and firstly, apologized for waking him up. I told him there was something I really needed him to look at. Surprisingly, he didn't even grumble, he just asked what it was and clambered out of bed.
I dragged him into the light of the kitchen window to interpret the near invisible line of my most recent pee stick.
He asked if it was positive. I was hoping he could tell me that.
I informed him that two lines means pregnant, and many hugs and kisses and "I love you"s later, I was still in shock.
When Rowan woke up, I dragged her into the kitchen as well to examine my test.
"This line means the test is working...and if you see this second line, it means you are pregnant."
She stared.
"Do you see a second line?"
"Yes," she answered, confused.
"So what does that mean?"
She stared at me in disbelief. "You're....pregnant?"
"Yep."
"You're pregnant....today?"
I think she is in shock, too.
When my mom finally arrived, Rowan showed her the test.
She just looked at me and said, "Are you serious? Is this real?"
Needless to say, no one was expecting this today.
My mom, who is apparently legally blind, refused to believe the pale little pink mark on the stick. She insisted upon a bigger, more expensive test with a more easily read result. About half an hour later, we had this:
Somehow, it feels refreshed. You would think that after a year of waiting practically every day and wondering if this might be the month there could be no surprise. On the contrary, we are all still recovering from the surprise of it all.It feels all new though. It's sort of like that reborn feeling that you get when you have strayed but then you come back and begin to do right again. The timing is more perfect than ever - I've had just enough time see what I have been doing and try to fix myself in a few ways. I've been able to re-focus on the Lord. I've been able to grow my faith enough to tell people that we will literally accept and appreciate ANY number of children the Lord blesses us with - yes, even if it's twenty. I see now more than ever that the Lord's timing truly is absolute and perfect, and I kind of feel bad for anyone who tries to do it on their own without Him.
I spent the better part of my day just whispering to myself, "Thank you, Jesus, thank you..." because I was so overwhelmed at the perfection of it all that I couldn't even think of anything else to say. To top it all off, Josh is just as happy, thankful, shocked, and excited as I am. It is the biggest comfort knowing that my husband's heart matches mine in faith of Christ.
May the Lord will continue to use us, our trials, and my blog to reach the hearts of others in any way possible. And thanks, to all my readers, for sticking around this long. And to all my friends and family, whether readers or not, who were supportive of our decision from the beginning - and those who came around.
Somehow, this feels new. I have tried to put my finger on it but it's just, in general, a very strange feeling. I almost feel like we are having our first baby all over again. Seeing the tell-tale "positive" line was more shocking to me yesterday than it was almost six years ago, the first time I ever saw it.
I guess this was due, in part, to expecting my first faith-based pregnancy over a year ago. I still remember very clearly the night that the Lord awakened me from a dead sleep to tell me that we needed to put all of our trust in Him. Judging our history of conception, I mentally prepared myself for a pregnancy that would most likely occur within the next two weeks. Obviously, it didn't.
There was a whole different type of mental preparation that took place over the next 15 months. It was a learning process, a growth period, and most importantly, a chance to come back together as a family in Christ.
I learned a new trust in the Lord, and I put him first and foremost for the first time in my life. He taught me how to put everything in the back seat so He could be the driver. I knew this was my lesson all along, but I thought it would come from a different place. I had no idea that my journey would stem from not getting pregnant right away. I have been reminded once again, "your will Lord, not mine."
I still remember having no clue what I was supposed to write, just that I needed to start keeping track. When no pregnancies happened, I thought my blog would be incredibly lacking and boring. Through prayer and an open heart, I managed to find topics here and there to blog about. Called to Quiverfull slowly took a turn for the better, becoming more of an informative Christian blog than a chronicle of our quiverfull journey (since nothing was really happening therein, anyways!).
It only took a couple months to realize how badly I was really wanting another baby. Yep - I am one of those people. My mom likes to call me "addicted to pregnancy," which may or may not be true. Some people say that people with more than two kids are "greedy." If sacrificing that perfect Disneyland vacation for a family of four to accept the Lord's ultimate earthly blessing makes me greedy, then yes - I willingly accept that term. So test after test after test, being turned this way and that in the light of my tiny bathroom only to reveal the stark white of disappointment, left me feeling more and more empty and asking the Lord why it wasn't happening.
Since then I have obviously changed a lot, and I have come to accept the fact that I didn't need to worry about when the Lord would choose (if at all) to bless us with a new little bundle. Even without focusing on conceiving, I was vaguely aware of the fact that I needed to test frequently, so as not to suddenly be surprised with labor pains 9 months down the road and end up on "I didn't know I was pregnant."
I must have studied each one of those cheap little pee sticks for hours, looking for that one tiny line that would be the Lord's way of saying "Okay, here you go! From me to you!" But with each test that I threw away, I resolved myself more and more to the wait that I would apparently have to undergo.
I started charting, if for no other reason than to know when precisely I should test. It helped be to know when I ovulated so I could wait to test until about two weeks after that, which helped me a lot in being
Anyways, I'm sure everyone knows what it is like to wait on a positive pregnancy test. I waited fifteen months, and some people get theirs sooner... some wait even longer, and some never get it. But I had reached that resolve where the negative tests weren't bothering me so much. It would happen in its own time, and I just needed to test often enough that I would not "miss it" if it happened.
I took a test on June 1st, and I could swear I saw something.
I had never gotten an evaporation line on these tests, so it struck me as odd. I took another one the next morning as well, and once again, I could swear there was something there. But after a year of staring hard into these little twigs of litmus and plastic, I knew better than to get my hopes up and assume that some little dingy streak that could not be properly identified meant a pregnancy. I threw them in the trash and realized I only had one test left. Oh well. I can order more if I am late another week or so. I decided to wait at least a few more days to take my last one. According to my chart, the last possible day that I could have ovulated had only occurred a week before, so even if I had gotten pregnant, there was a good chance it wouldn't even show up yet. I should wait for the latest day to be 12 days behind me. That's me - always super diligent with logic.
Thursday morning I pulled my last test from the cabinet and dipped it in my pee. That's how you take a pregnancy test, after all. The moment I set it down on the counter, I regretted it. The odds were slim that I had ovulated when I thought. But it didn't really matter anyways, because I had no delusions that it would turn out positive. I had probably not been ovulating at all.
Looking at my chart, I had decided that the science of it was probably that since I was breastfeeding, I was not ovulating. With my last two pregnancies, I had been breastfeeding as well; but since I had been taking a hormonal birth control pill those times, I think it helped to continue my cycle in a normal fashion. Whereas, no hormones meant no regularity of cycle in spite of breastfeeding.
As I set my little timer on my phone and went through the motions, I took a quick glance at the test. There was definitely something there. Then again, though, I have an eagle eye when it comes to seeing extra lines on a pregnancy test. I am pretty sure at my own capacity, it doesn't even count.
It looked like this :
Of course, by the end of the five minute timer, I was certain. It was a positive pregnancy test. What does that mean again? I forget.
Josh was still in bed, so I walked into the bedroom and firstly, apologized for waking him up. I told him there was something I really needed him to look at. Surprisingly, he didn't even grumble, he just asked what it was and clambered out of bed.
I dragged him into the light of the kitchen window to interpret the near invisible line of my most recent pee stick.
He asked if it was positive. I was hoping he could tell me that.
I informed him that two lines means pregnant, and many hugs and kisses and "I love you"s later, I was still in shock.
When Rowan woke up, I dragged her into the kitchen as well to examine my test.
"This line means the test is working...and if you see this second line, it means you are pregnant."
She stared.
"Do you see a second line?"
"Yes," she answered, confused.
"So what does that mean?"
She stared at me in disbelief. "You're....pregnant?"
"Yep."
"You're pregnant....today?"
I think she is in shock, too.
When my mom finally arrived, Rowan showed her the test.
She just looked at me and said, "Are you serious? Is this real?"
Needless to say, no one was expecting this today.
My mom, who is apparently legally blind, refused to believe the pale little pink mark on the stick. She insisted upon a bigger, more expensive test with a more easily read result. About half an hour later, we had this:
 |
| A wee bit more obvious, no? |
Somehow, it feels refreshed. You would think that after a year of waiting practically every day and wondering if this might be the month there could be no surprise. On the contrary, we are all still recovering from the surprise of it all.It feels all new though. It's sort of like that reborn feeling that you get when you have strayed but then you come back and begin to do right again. The timing is more perfect than ever - I've had just enough time see what I have been doing and try to fix myself in a few ways. I've been able to re-focus on the Lord. I've been able to grow my faith enough to tell people that we will literally accept and appreciate ANY number of children the Lord blesses us with - yes, even if it's twenty. I see now more than ever that the Lord's timing truly is absolute and perfect, and I kind of feel bad for anyone who tries to do it on their own without Him.
I spent the better part of my day just whispering to myself, "Thank you, Jesus, thank you..." because I was so overwhelmed at the perfection of it all that I couldn't even think of anything else to say. To top it all off, Josh is just as happy, thankful, shocked, and excited as I am. It is the biggest comfort knowing that my husband's heart matches mine in faith of Christ.
May the Lord will continue to use us, our trials, and my blog to reach the hearts of others in any way possible. And thanks, to all my readers, for sticking around this long. And to all my friends and family, whether readers or not, who were supportive of our decision from the beginning - and those who came around.
Loved this post. Very heartfelt and enlightening. Made me cry a little :]
ReplyDeleteI am SO VERY happy for you guys, and SO VERY excited. When you asked me yesterday why I was so excited, since this is your fourth ...I didn't know what to say. I'm still not sure why, but just like you said, it feels like it's your first all over again.
I hate that you live so far away ...
I just came across your blog from our birth board. Isn't it interesting how God teaches us so often through pregnancy and children. My first was an experience similar to yours. I felt strongly that it was time to start our family, a little before my husband and I planned but we were willing to trust God. Then nothing happened. Then I got sick and had to stop trying. Then I was able to start trying and nothing still happened. Tests were run and nothing was wrong but still no baby. It took us four years to get our first miracle, finally after I fully submitted to God and told him it was okay if he never sent me a child (that was a hard prayer that left me sobbing). This one came easy, too easy. And again I'm having to trust God that it's what is right. Not that I don't want to be a mother, but I was expecking a little more time before it happened and a better job for my husband. So now again, I'm putting everything into Gods hands and accepting whatever he has in store. I'm so glad your little miracle happened for you and really appreciated reading your story.
ReplyDelete