I Don't Know What I'm Doing.

I think I may have gone entirely off the deep end this time.

I was fearful that we would suddenly get pregnant this very first month, so I tried to psyche myself up for it. I started looking at baby clothes, lurking the "getting pregnant" board on babycenter....even went to the test tweaking board to start looking at people's preggo tests. I'm getting totally carried away. I didn't want to have any negative feelings if I were to get pregnant this month. But now I've got my head all wrapped around it, and i feel like I might be disappointed if I don't. I don't understand the point of this.
So basically God wanted us to trust him in making our family, but now I'm going down this road of not knowing if I want a baby or don't want one right now.
I guess it's just more of our lesson - we don't NEED to know everything. We don't HAVE to have control.

I'm starting to get excited about another baby. I love the pregnancy rush and everything that goes with it. I love peeing on a stick (I've kept the last two pregnancies' tests) and I love the ultrasounds and heck, I even love labor.
I keep coming up with excuses for why I would not be ready. Another baby so soon? How would we deal? What about Royal? What about my body for that matter? What about breastfeeding?
But when it comes down to it, I already knew that every baby is a blessing and it's hard not to want one if you know God is behind it.
So now will God see what's in my heart and give me 15 kids, because I love having babies? Or will I be dissatisfied to find that you really might not have a million kids if God chooses not to let you get pregnant?
Im on the fourth day of a 28 day cycle and I'm already going crazy. I'm trying really hard not to pay attention to whether it's day one or twenty, if I'm possibly ovulating or am closer to the end of the cycle....but I can't seem to focus on anything else.
I think I want to get pregnant. But it is so scary when you have a five month old.
Although I won't lie, the shock value to our families would face would be HILARIOUS.

I guess in the end, here's to waiting......


  1. It's so nice to know that there is someone out there just like me! :-) I constantly think about! I don't know how anyone can just live life and then come the end of the month and not even realize they are pregnant. Even the times when I knew for sure that I wasn't pregnant, I wondered. lol...


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