I can usually tell the difference between what I want and what is best for me. Unfortunately, what I want is rarely what is best for me, nor is it usually what the Lord wants for me.
Up until recently I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to have six kids, between 18 and 24 months apart, three boys and three girls, so that my oldest would be a certain age when we were done and I would be done by a certain age as well.
Everything seemed to be going well - I had our third baby, a boy named Royal, about five months ago. But I started to feel less and less sure of myself and my “grand plan” over the last few months. What if we didn’t really want six? What if we wanted less? Or more? Seven is a godly number….
What if it takes longer to get pregnant and our children are spaced too far apart? What if it takes a major toll on my body to have so many so close together? Or worse, a toll on our marriage or relationship with God?
I’d like to say that the first thing I do in every situation is pray. And then God reveals himself and we are at peace. I’d love to say that it’s the first thing I think of when I’m in trouble. I would love to say that. It would make me look like a really great Christian wouldn’t it?
Well it would be a lie. In fact, that is one thing I have a huge problem with - I never think to praise God first or ask for help from Him.
So there was quite a bit of anguish leading up to our mini-revelation.
Last night, everyone was restless. My husband had built the fire a little too hot, and no one could sleep. He got up and laid in bed with our two-year old son Dash. Our three-year old daughter Rowan was in bed with me, and would not stop pestering me. I don’t know how to explain it, but I had a weird feeling. I felt anxious, compelled to get out of bed, and I also felt God’s presence.
I told Rowan we were going to watch a movie and she could lay on the couch, and I turned on my laptop.
I opened up Babycenter and searched for groups related to “large families.” I don’t know what I was expecting to find or really what I was actually looking for. The first group didn’t appear to have any real Christian connotations, and I was hoping for at least that much.
On the side of the screen though, where Babycenter lovingly suggests groups to you, I saw a group labeled “Quiver Full.”
I started looking into it and a wave of fear washed over me. Nope, Jesus, not doing that. Sorry. Pick someone else. Then the other typical feeling you get when God has called you to do something you don’t want to do. I’m pretty sure I’m imagining this whole thing, and God is not really speaking to my heart.
But I couldn’t honestly deny it, especially after reading these words I found:
I really believe that anything anyone has in their lives that they HAVE to hold onto and control is something that, ultimately, God will ask to be given to Him in faith, whether it be family size, finances, or something simple like what we eat. I think that in modern society, the things WE control without God have become our Idols that we worship.
These words spoke to me in an incredible way. I knew that God was done letting me have my way, and he was no longer going to let me just go on and on trying to do things my own (stupid and selfish) way.
The biggest step was going to be telling Josh. I knew he would listen, and be understanding. But it was somehow nerve-racking. Maybe it was just the enemy trying to feed me the “what-ifs” like “What if he thinks Im lying or I don’t know what I’m talking about?” “What if he doesn’t care about our calling, because he is NOT having more kids?” “What if he tells me that this whole crazy idea is just not an option?”
I was probably more scared to talk about my conclusion and invite Josh into than anything else. I didn’t even know where to begin. But once he got up, we sat down to coffee and I tried to begin.
I basically told him that I had been trying to plan our “perfect” family, and that I was convicted….he agreed. That we should not even have worries or stresses like this, because God would provide and lead us…..he agreed. After a lengthy avoidance of what I was actually saying, I finally blurted it out.
I think we should go off birth control.
I can’t believe how hard it was to say. I felt my voice wavering and I suddenly was very emotional. I had no idea it was such an emotional ordeal, but I could hardly continue without the “crying voice.”
Josh agreed with me 100%, and shared some of his own convictions. And I finally got it out of him why he had been so distant on the subject. He was afraid of how he would provide for us financially. So where God was testing my fears of getting pregnant again too soon, having too many children, and still bearing children when I should be done, he was testing Josh’s faith that God will provide all we need.
We are a little shaken up this morning. I again wish I could say we are overjoyed to take this step in the right direction and make God the center of our lives again, but to be completely honest, we are scared. We don’t know if we will be pregnant in a month. Or six. Or a year. We are just praying that God will give us strength and let us learn through this, and strengthen our faith in Him. And on that note, I feel God telling me something else.
“Write this down. And Blog it.”
Up until recently I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to have six kids, between 18 and 24 months apart, three boys and three girls, so that my oldest would be a certain age when we were done and I would be done by a certain age as well.
Everything seemed to be going well - I had our third baby, a boy named Royal, about five months ago. But I started to feel less and less sure of myself and my “grand plan” over the last few months. What if we didn’t really want six? What if we wanted less? Or more? Seven is a godly number….
What if it takes longer to get pregnant and our children are spaced too far apart? What if it takes a major toll on my body to have so many so close together? Or worse, a toll on our marriage or relationship with God?
I’d like to say that the first thing I do in every situation is pray. And then God reveals himself and we are at peace. I’d love to say that it’s the first thing I think of when I’m in trouble. I would love to say that. It would make me look like a really great Christian wouldn’t it?
Well it would be a lie. In fact, that is one thing I have a huge problem with - I never think to praise God first or ask for help from Him.
So there was quite a bit of anguish leading up to our mini-revelation.
Last night, everyone was restless. My husband had built the fire a little too hot, and no one could sleep. He got up and laid in bed with our two-year old son Dash. Our three-year old daughter Rowan was in bed with me, and would not stop pestering me. I don’t know how to explain it, but I had a weird feeling. I felt anxious, compelled to get out of bed, and I also felt God’s presence.
I told Rowan we were going to watch a movie and she could lay on the couch, and I turned on my laptop.
I opened up Babycenter and searched for groups related to “large families.” I don’t know what I was expecting to find or really what I was actually looking for. The first group didn’t appear to have any real Christian connotations, and I was hoping for at least that much.
On the side of the screen though, where Babycenter lovingly suggests groups to you, I saw a group labeled “Quiver Full.”
I started looking into it and a wave of fear washed over me. Nope, Jesus, not doing that. Sorry. Pick someone else. Then the other typical feeling you get when God has called you to do something you don’t want to do. I’m pretty sure I’m imagining this whole thing, and God is not really speaking to my heart.
But I couldn’t honestly deny it, especially after reading these words I found:
I really believe that anything anyone has in their lives that they HAVE to hold onto and control is something that, ultimately, God will ask to be given to Him in faith, whether it be family size, finances, or something simple like what we eat. I think that in modern society, the things WE control without God have become our Idols that we worship.
These words spoke to me in an incredible way. I knew that God was done letting me have my way, and he was no longer going to let me just go on and on trying to do things my own (stupid and selfish) way.
The biggest step was going to be telling Josh. I knew he would listen, and be understanding. But it was somehow nerve-racking. Maybe it was just the enemy trying to feed me the “what-ifs” like “What if he thinks Im lying or I don’t know what I’m talking about?” “What if he doesn’t care about our calling, because he is NOT having more kids?” “What if he tells me that this whole crazy idea is just not an option?”
I was probably more scared to talk about my conclusion and invite Josh into than anything else. I didn’t even know where to begin. But once he got up, we sat down to coffee and I tried to begin.
I basically told him that I had been trying to plan our “perfect” family, and that I was convicted….he agreed. That we should not even have worries or stresses like this, because God would provide and lead us…..he agreed. After a lengthy avoidance of what I was actually saying, I finally blurted it out.
I think we should go off birth control.
I can’t believe how hard it was to say. I felt my voice wavering and I suddenly was very emotional. I had no idea it was such an emotional ordeal, but I could hardly continue without the “crying voice.”
Josh agreed with me 100%, and shared some of his own convictions. And I finally got it out of him why he had been so distant on the subject. He was afraid of how he would provide for us financially. So where God was testing my fears of getting pregnant again too soon, having too many children, and still bearing children when I should be done, he was testing Josh’s faith that God will provide all we need.
We are a little shaken up this morning. I again wish I could say we are overjoyed to take this step in the right direction and make God the center of our lives again, but to be completely honest, we are scared. We don’t know if we will be pregnant in a month. Or six. Or a year. We are just praying that God will give us strength and let us learn through this, and strengthen our faith in Him. And on that note, I feel God telling me something else.
“Write this down. And Blog it.”
Awesome! We went through pretty much the same ordeal a few months ago. (By the way, I'm hsmomma26 from BBC) We still aren't sure if we are "quiverfull" but we definitely felt the Lord telling us to let go and have number 7. :-)
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